leeslover Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate). Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danoafc Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate). Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light. Might I suggest that you refrain from eating cheese on toast for supper whilst watching The Lost Boys, in future Andy?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 Might I suggest that you refrain from eating cheese on toast for supper whilst watching The Lost Boys, in future Andy?! But Mr Mosley's friends wanted something for supper, and it was all I had in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jorvik_latic Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate). Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light. You, my friend, need help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danoafc Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 But Mr Mosley's friends wanted something for supper, and it was all I had in. Lol. Can you afford them?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny punkster Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 sure it wasn't austria not germany? oh,don't eat cheese before bed-time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boboafc Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 I’m getting memories back of a dream I had last night. I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate). Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light. sounds like you have been watching blade Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jorvik_latic Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 sounds like you have been watching blade I don't remember Hitler's dad being in Blade Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
24hoursfromtulsehill Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I don't remember Hitler's dad being in Blade Tell a dream, lose a reader... I have a prediction. Oldham Athletic will beat Stoke City in the third round of the FA Cup in 2017, 2-1. I know. I was there. I played. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 OK – so we were playing at the evil Old Trafford. For some reason I was in a section that was entirely surrounded by Red Soxx fans. They were taking the piss and throwing bits and pieces at us but generally it wasn’t too serious. At one point Chaddy ran on to collect the ball after the ref blew for something, then he actually started playing, unusually for him in a holding midfield. He put one very decent tackle in that I remember. Anyway, some passing United fan tripped me up (we were in a terraced section, incidentally) and I fell off the front of the stand. I avoided death by managing to cling onto bits of the stand all the way down but I couldn’t stop myself from falling slowly down all of the tiers bit by bit. A nice lady copper saw that I was quite shaken up by this and led me through some dingy corridors to a stall where she got me a cup of tea. There were various special breakfast offers on sale which the coppers got for a special discount rate with a nod and a wink. The bloke who had tripped me up and sent me over the stand walked past and kicked me. I thought about shopping him to the copper but let it pass. Don’t know the final score, but I will assume we won to create a happy ending. And yes, I had been eating cheese. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaddy the owl Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 OK – so we were playing at the evil Old Trafford. For some reason I was in a section that was entirely surrounded by Red Soxx fans. They were taking the piss and throwing bits and pieces at us but generally it wasn’t too serious. At one point Chaddy ran on to collect the ball after the ref blew for something, then he actually started playing, unusually for him in a holding midfield. He put one very decent tackle in that I remember. Anyway, some passing United fan tripped me up (we were in a terraced section, incidentally) and I fell off the front of the stand. I avoided death by managing to cling onto bits of the stand all the way down but I couldn’t stop myself from falling slowly down all of the tiers bit by bit. A nice lady copper saw that I was quite shaken up by this and led me through some dingy corridors to a stall where she got me a cup of tea. There were various special breakfast offers on sale which the coppers got for a special discount rate with a nod and a wink. The bloke who had tripped me up and sent me over the stand walked past and kicked me. I thought about shopping him to the copper but let it pass. Don’t know the final score, but I will assume we won to create a happy ending. And yes, I had been eating cheese. I almost beleived it untill i read that bit. You have obviously never seen me play. Im not known for my tackling....and thats an understatment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 I almost beleived it untill i read that bit. You have obviously never seen me play. Im not known for my tackling....and thats an understatment Pretty sure I have I did say it was a weird dream though... I seem to recall you were fast as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaddy the owl Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Cheeky bleeder I am fast.....when up against most people my age. Its just that i play with younger people (in the non perverted way may i add) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stitch_KTF Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'm happy to see this thread in my 'view new posts' this morning.....it provides the opportunity to share something disturbing, and a problem shared is a problem halved. I won't beat around the bush, the night before last I was having a random yet pleasant dream about a girl I've known for years. It turned into a nightmare however when I got to where (I think) her clitoris ought to have been and discovered a molar tooth in its place. I know, I know..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaddy the owl Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 How the hell did you find it? I thought that clitoris was one of those "urban myths". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Bah, who doesn't have the old weird dreams. From the traditional falling from a great height or all my teeth falling out. The good ones of surfing a large wish, or appearing in my own version of The Naked Gun (and waking up laughing). To the bad one of blood coming from every orifice, with no one telling me what was wrong (in a not telling as I don't want to be the one to do it, rather than a non-helping manner), and everytime you ask someone blood just drops out of my mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldhamSheridan Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Last night, as he went to bed, Jack did like he always does, kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden,he opens his eyes and sees an elderly man dressed in a white robe, standing in front of his bed. "Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" He asked. "This isn't your bedroom." The man replied. "I am St. Peter and you're in Heaven." "WHAT!" Said Jack. "Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young. I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy." Said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours." Jack thought about it and figured that being a dog is too tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought. "I want to return as a hen." Jack replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken coop, nicely feathered. But there was this uncomfortable feeling in his rear end. It felt like it was gonna explode. Just then along came a rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about. How do you like being a hen?" " Well, okay I guess, but my rear end feels like it's about to explode." "Oh that!" Said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Jack asked. "Cluck twice and then you push real hard." So Jack clucked twice, pushed hard and 'plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow!" Said Jack. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed and yes, there was another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Jack, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crapping all over the bed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zorrro Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I never remember my dreams. FACT. I don't even know if I do dream. I suspect I do, but have no way of knowing. What do I win? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 How the hell did you find it? I thought that clitoris was one of those "urban myths". He was obviously looking for it in her mouth Hang on, wasn't that the plot line of Deep Throat? He might be onto something, that's where it's been hiding all these years... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outoftheblue Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I was a policeman in National Socialist Germany. You might expect that this would involve persecuting dissidents, rounding up Jews and so on, but in fact I was the junior member of the two-man anti-vampire unit. Strange enough anyway you might think except that my boss was Mr Hitler’s dad. He was a nice chap, a big jovial sort of fellow, which made it quite sad when I found him lying beside an open grave with his blood drained and his fingers and knuckles bitten off and placed in position a few inches away from his hands, having been done in by the head vampire (who wasn’t very nice at all. One of his victims was trying to stop him getting in by lying against the door, but he managed to put a hole through it and pushed the victim in the head until he submitted and moved away, accepting his fate). Anyway, he wasn’t replaced and I carried on alone. Over the years the vampire attacks gradually declined to a level where people had stopped really being bothered about them and there was talk about disbanding my unit. I persuaded Mr Hitler that I should continue in role because otherwise the knowledge of effective anti-bloodsucking policework would be lost to Germany forever. The next time I hear somebody complaining about nobody talking about the good things Mr Hitler did for Germany, I will listen to them in an entirely new light. "OK, thanks to Andy from the South London Pro Glue Sniffing Organisation. Next week we'll be talking to Rachael from the Scottish Dinner Tie appreciation Society, here on 'Every Town's Got 'Em'. Until then, goodbye, and Stay Weird!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zorrro Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Imagine he still lived round the corner from me? I'd be woken up every night by the sound of goosestepping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'm not weird, I'm special. My mum told me so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaddy the owl Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeslover Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) It's been a bumper festive period. Last night I got my Johnson out in the stairwell of my work, then put it back, but got it out again in the lift lobby (which has cameras) and pissed on the floor. I knew they would investigate and see the tape so I had resolved on my way in the next day that I was going to own up, but I was intercepted on the way in by two Scandanavian doctors who a couple of the management had sent to brief my on how to put the incident down to a bizarre medical condition so that I would get off. Thankfully, I did not piss the bed during the course of this. Edited January 2, 2010 by leeslover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yard Dog Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) It's been a bumper festive period. Last night I got my Johnson out in the stairwell of my work, then put it back, but got it out again in the lift lobby (which has cameras) and pissed on the floor. I knew they would investigate and see the tape so I had resolved on my way in the next day that I was going to own up, but I was intercepted on the way in by two Scandanavian doctors who a couple of the management had sent to brief my on how to put the incident down to a bizarre medical condition so that I would get off. Thankfully, I did not piss the bed during the course of this. Hmm...which part of the above post was edited...not the last line by any chance ? Edited January 2, 2010 by Yard Dog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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