In the bottom 4? :( Need cheering up?

[laticsrblue]

I was reading through the "Everyone who's ever posted this board is getting :censored:e" thread and surprisingly some of the content cracked me up.

 

In case you've not read that thread, here are a few of the jokes.

 

Add some more, and lets cheer ourselves up.

 

Joke of the day.

 

OK, lifting the humour etc.

 

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

 

Barman says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

 

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

 

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

 

Barman says: "No"

 

Duck says: "AHa, that's OK then. Got any bread

 

 

When I was young and said I wanted to be a comedian people laughed at me.

 

Well they're not laughing now...

 

 

i used to like going to weddings, but i got sick of all the old dears poking me and saying 'you're next'

 

they soon stopped though when i started doing the same to them at funerals

 

Edited September 14, 2009 by laticsrblue

[singe]

I was reading through the "Everyone who's ever posted this board is getting :censored:e" thread and surprisingly some of the content cracked me up.

 

In case you've not read that thread, here are a few of the jokes.

 

Add some more, and lets cheer ourselves up.

I like creepys' that tickled me!

[garcon]

Stewart Francis: king of the one-liners...

 

 

My Dad was schizophrenic, but he was good people.

 

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.

And then it hit me.

 

I had a one night stand that went terribly wrong. We've been married three years now...

 

I want to dedicate this joke to my dad who was a roofer. So Dad, if you're up there...

 

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic, and I won't take no for an answer.

 

There are two types of people I hate - racists and Norwegians.

 

My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...

 

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.

 

Moneywise I'm set for life! Provided I die next Tuesday...

 

I married Way Too Young. She was Chinese.

 

 

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

My dad's just been pronounced dead.

 

These bloody Australian doctors.

[ste1987]

Stewart Francis: king of the one-liners...

 

 

My Dad was schizophrenic, but he was good people.

 

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.

And then it hit me.

 

I had a one night stand that went terribly wrong. We've been married three years now...

 

I want to dedicate this joke to my dad who was a roofer. So Dad, if you're up there...

 

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic, and I won't take no for an answer.

 

There are two types of people I hate - racists and Norwegians.

 

My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...

 

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.

 

Moneywise I'm set for life! Provided I die next Tuesday...

 

I married Way Too Young. She was Chinese.

 

 

[oafc_lover]

LOL

 

 

keep them coming

[JoeLatics]

Stewart Francis: king of the one-liners...

 

 

My Dad was schizophrenic, but he was good people.

 

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.

And then it hit me.

 

I had a one night stand that went terribly wrong. We've been married three years now...

 

I want to dedicate this joke to my dad who was a roofer. So Dad, if you're up there...

 

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic, and I won't take no for an answer.

 

There are two types of people I hate - racists and Norwegians.

 

My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...

 

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.

 

Moneywise I'm set for life! Provided I die next Tuesday...

 

I married Way Too Young. She was Chinese.

 

I've got a microwave fireplace - I can spend the whole evening in front of the fire in 8 minutes

[boboafc]

Tommy Cooper Jokes: -

 

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

I said 'What for?'

He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

 

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.

I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.

He said 'How can I help?'.

I said 'Break my arms!'

 

I went to the doctor the other day,

I said 'it hurts when I do that'

he said ' well don't do it'

I went to the doctor the other day,

I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''

he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

 

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

 

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.

Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

 

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.

'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

 

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?

The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.

I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

 

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.

So I took up a collection.

 

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:

'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.

I said: 'What for, Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

 

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:

'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.

I said 'What For?'.

He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

 

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,

'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

 

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.

And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.

So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

 

I had a meal last night,

I ordered everything in French,

surprised everybody,

It was a Chinese restaurant.

 

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.

I said 'Why not?'.

He said 'We don't give him any'

 

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.

I said 'Is Jim in?'.

She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.

So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.

'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.

'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

 

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.

A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.

'I'd like to stay here'

'Ok. Stay there'.

 

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.

I said 'I want a second opinion'.

He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

 

I went to the doctor the other day

I said 'have you got anything for wind'

so he gave me a kite.

 

 

[Lags]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

 

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

 

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

 

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

 

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

 

Q. What do gay guys call condoms?

 

A. Mud flaps.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used rubbers?

 

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

[boboafc]

a 2nd Division manager was addressing his team during a training session.

 

'Now, lads,' he said, 'over the last few months, I've given you a lot of tips and advice on passing, dribbling, kicking and defensive play.'

 

The team nodded appreciately. 'Well, you can forget it all,' said the coach, 'because we've just sold the bloody lot of you!'

[Matt]

An Irishman walks into a pub. The Barman asks the Irishman, "What you having?"

Irishman answers, "Ah, I'll have a scotch, please."

 

The Barman hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be £3.00,' to which the Irishman splutters, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

 

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the Barman, "He’s got you there mate. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration..."

 

The Barman was not impressed, so he says to the Irishman, "OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again. You’re barred"

 

The next day, the Irishman again, walks into the boozer. The Barman rasps, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the bollocks to come back in!". The Irishman smiles and says, "What are you talking about man, I've never been in this place in my life!"

 

The Barman looks at the Irishman closely and mutters, "I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

 

The Irishman, without missing a beat says, "Thank you, squire. Make it a scotch."

 

[real]

How do you make a hormone?

 

don't pay her.

[Beardy]

Paddy and Murphy are at work on a building site, Paddy is on the 10th floor and Murphy is grafting on the third.

 

Paddy whilst working loses his footing and falls to his death.

 

At the inquest the judge asks Murphy how Paddy died, Murphy replied "VD"

 

"VD" inquires the judge, "how do you come to that conclusion?"

 

Murphy says "well as he was falling he passed the 3rd floor he shouted!"

 

"Im a gonner ere!"

 

I know, i know, im tired!

[creepy]

ive got loads, but unfortunately they cant be published on a respectable site like OWTB

[lancy lad]

A man walks in to his lounge with a duck under his arm, and his wife is sitting there.

 

He says "this is the pig I was telling you about".

 

She says "thats not a pig, its a duck".

 

He says "I wasn't talking to you"!

[laticsrblue]

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

A: Anyone can roast beef.

Edited September 15, 2009 by laticsrblue

[garcon]

Be honest, how many people out there only watched Obama's inauguration to see if he'd get shot?

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

 

So what if Jesus turned water into wine? I turned a whole student loan into vodka!

 

 

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

 

 

News just in! Explosion at a pie factory in Wigan. 3.14159265 dead.

 

 

Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

 

 

Talking of which, I called that rape advice line today. Turns out it's just for victims.

 

 

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

I can't think of anything worse after a night out than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met.

Or why they're dead.

 

 

My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be sooooo p*ssed off when she finds out.

 

 

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

 

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of food.

 

 

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

 

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something....

[garcon]

And finally....

 

 

What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

 

A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.

[ste1987]

Be honest, how many people out there only watched Obama's inauguration to see if he'd get shot?

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

 

So what if Jesus turned water into wine? I turned a whole student loan into vodka!

 

 

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

 

 

News just in! Explosion at a pie factory in Wigan. 3.14159265 dead.

 

 

Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

 

 

Talking of which, I called that rape advice line today. Turns out it's just for victims.

 

 

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

 

 

I can't think of anything worse after a night out than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met.

Or why they're dead.

 

 

My girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be sooooo p*ssed off when she finds out.

 

 

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

 

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of food.

 

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

 

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something....

 

:lol:

 

[garcon]

I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff".

 

So I poked him...

[slurms mckenzie]

2 fish in a tank, one of them says "how do you drive this thing".

[razza699]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

[razza699]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

 

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I

began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What

about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my

husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.

But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere

that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the

attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through

every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I

had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just

keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still

be alive.

 

[Frankly Mr Shankly]

Two eggs and a sausage in a frying pan. The sausage pipes up "Feck me, it's hot in here!". The egg says to the other "Bloody hell, a talking sausage!"

[garcon]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

 

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

 

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

 

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

 

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Can we dedicate that one to BeckfordsRigthtFoot?